Trump is the best president who ever lived
(disclaimer: this is satire)
“Dishwashers — we did the dishwasher, right? You press it — remember the dishwasher, you’d press it, boom, there’d be like an explosion, five minutes later you open it up, the steam pours out, the dishes. Now, you press it 12 times. Women tell me. Again, you know, they give you four drops of water. And they’re in places where there’s so much water, they don’t know what to do with it. So we just came out with a reg on dishwashers — we’re going back to you. By the way, by the time they press it 10 times, you spend more on water — and electric! Don’t forget. The whole thing is worse because you’re spending all that money on electric. So we’re bringing back standards that are great.”
Never have I ever heard such a poetic, beautifully crafted analogy as the one above. It absolutely blew my mind, I didn’t know that water and electricity cost money! I just thought my jacuzzi and home theater ran on their own. No, I’m not ignorant, I’m of a higher class and status and simply cannot be bothered with such trivial matters. That stuff is for the poor and lowly liberals. I still can’t get over those dishwashers, well said Mr. President!
And take a look at this profound truth!
(to African-Americans) “What do you have to lose? You’re living in poverty. your schools are no good. you have no jobs. 58% of your youth is unemployed. what the hell do you have to lose?”
Truly astonishing. That is the best I’ve ever heard someone describe the current state of affairs for the minority, and I’ve never even seen one of the blacks! Honestly I was actually questioning whether they exist or not, since I’ve never seen one in real life and hope that never changes. That’s another reason why Trump will make America great again, he knows that black = bad!
Oh and isn’t he just so charming? Take a look a just a few of his most dazzling and alluring statements, bound to make anyone fall under his spell:
Trump: “You really want to know what I consider ideal company?”
Me: “Yes.”
Trump: “A total piece of ass.”
(at 60) “I’d have no problem sleeping with 24 year olds.”
“You know, it doesn’t really matter what the media writes as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass”.
“I think that putting a wife to work is a very dangerous thing. If you’re in business for yourself, I really think it’s a bad idea to put your wife working for you. I think it’s a really bad idea”.
He’s quite the ladies’ man, in that he really knows how to put women in their place. He’s just like me. I myself have had many short stints, however they always ended up doing something that makes me question my masculinity, and in self-defense I had to slap them around a little or knock a couple teeth out. And since the legal system is totally biased against men, I ended up catching a few cases. You should’ve seen the look on their faces in court when the judge dismissed their cases (my father is extremely wealthy and thus I was able to survive these sorts of hurdles life throws at you). What’s even better is that one of them I actually have a case against, as she fought back and I wasn’t able to hit her, but she scratched me all over, so it looks like she was the one who attacked me. That doesn’t make it equal though, as they tried to stand up to a man, and that is just unforgivable.
But let’s talk about his world-class policymaking and political acrobatics.
Trump knows his economics like the back of his hand, and his true heart paved the way for policies that benefit the people. And by the people I mean upper middle-class and up, and of course only white. His tax cuts saved my dad millions! We were so grateful, we needed that money so we could get a 9th vacation house. Without that, life felt kind of empty for some reason. And what did the brilliant man do? He balanced the cuts — a hallmark of a great economist. Taking away those communist public healthcare programs was one of the best moves he’s made (basically all his moves). It’s simple logic. Take money away from the poor and lower class so that the rich get a nice payday! It was such a clever move, because since the healthcare was defunded, more of the poor won’t get proper access and die! This makes perfect sense, because if you are poor then you are a lazy, unskilled, unmotivated waste of oxygen. If we’re being real, also nobody cares about people they don’t know. I know this because I sure don’t, and nobody I know does either. His wise Secretary of Housing Ben Carson said it best, “Poverty to a large extent is also a state of mind”. Couldn’t agree more Ben. If you are poor then it’s 100% your fault, and should suffer the consequences of being mentally weak.
I could write novels upon novels on the greatness of Trump, however I believe I touched upon the parts that I like the most, because they resemble me! Trump is the version of myself I struggle to be because I’m just not as forceful and dominant. But now I have the perfect role model to aspire to be when I grow up. Trump embodies the core philosophy of a true Republican: “Make everything around you worse”. Trump is my outlet, he’s my voice in government that never gets heard, the voice of reason and justice and white supremacy! In a perfect world he’d be president forever, and my dad.
