How I want to live

This is such a loaded question and my answer will probably change over time. But not by much, that’s for sure. I’m just gonna give you an overview of goals I’d like to accomplish and the way I think is the right way for me to live.

I would like to participate in life as much as I can and as best as I can. Ignore my tiredness, irritability, nihilism, or anything that would keep me from playing a role in life no matter how small or insignificant. None of it is insignificant. I will have plenty of time to kick back and let some things pass me by when I’m old. But certainly not now. I’m in the prime of my life. If I could I would be young forever (I think everyone thinks that though). But you can’t and once you have lost the currency of youth, from then on the older you get the less alive you are. Which leads me to my next point.

I will never stop being a kid. I will retain the ability to have fun, be goofy, and do stupid shit. Has anyone else noticed that a lot of adults that you know seem to have completely lost the kid inside them? They’ve walled it off with maturity, indignity, work, and rigidity. Yes you need to learn to be mature, structure yourself, exercise self-control, etc. But does that mean that you have to put your childish ways behind you? No! I see so so many people that don’t have it anymore. Including many people my age, and younger. It breaks my heart. They build their ego up as they grow and become controlled by fear of judgement, or looking wrong or weird or out of place, or ruled by anxiety, stress, responsibility, money, lust for power, you name it. They take everything SO seriously! Nothing is serious unless you make it serious (hot take I know). This combined with the expectations of how an adult should behave and act keeps it inside them, closed off, closeted, and begins to wither away over time until it has died and they have forgotten how to be a kid. Recently I was with my cousin who’s 7, and I always enjoy playing with her because honestly kids are more fun than adults. We were outside running around the house, she was trying to chase me. I was jogging slowly but I got an idea and ran to the front. I picked up this dirty old blue crate sitting on the front porch, put it right on my head, and grabbed two red solo cups and put my hands in them so I had cups as hands. She loved it! I try to be as ridiculous as possible. So I ran around the house with the crate hitting against my head every stride with crumbs of dirty falling on my head. I got a new idea, and when she rounded a corner I jumped high and angled my body so that my back would hit the ground first and did a sort of panicked frantic body motion. I hit my head against the crate as it landed with me, and the landing was hard and painful. She loved it! She could not stop laughing. So I just kept doing it over and over, try to flail and launch myself as far and high as possible. She found it absolutely hilarious each and every time, so I continued to do it until my body could not take it anymore, then one more time before I left. Guess what the adults around me said. “That crate is dirty you really shouldn’t put that on your head please take it off”, “It’s dangerous to land like that. You could get hurt”, “Could you play something else? This isn’t a good activity for a child”, you get the gist. Boggles my mind. They completely miss the point. Does it matter if dirt gets in my hair? Does it matter if I’m going to be a bit sore or bruised tomorrow? Nope. Those things are easily washed/healed, I traded temporary discomfort to hear a kid’s uncontrollable laughter. There’s something so special about a kid’s laughter that lifts my spirits and warms my heart. The adults are so concerned over such trivial and insignificant bullshit and fail to see point. They’ve lost sight of it. In short, I am going to make sure I do not lose sight of it. And try to help others keep it too.

I will not stop caring. I will remain passionate. I will not lose hope, become apathetic, or let life break me down to the point where I have seemingly lost the fire. Everybody either has or had something burning inside them. Desire, longing, desperation, ambition, and many more. For many it dies down for a number of reasons. Life circumstances, stress, depression, trauma, and all the things that take a toll and degrade a person. It is my belief that it is never truly gone. It could be a small fire, or a flame, or an ember or even hot coals but it’s always there and it is always possible for it to be rekindled. This is no simple task. It’s more like a life-long battle. I think you have to actively fuel it in order to maintain its heat. Somehow you must be resilient to all the wrenches life throws at you. But people break. There’s only so much a human being can take before they shut down. Is that avoidable? Maybe, but in a lot of cases it really isn’t. What I’m trying to say is the goal for me is to move forward no matter what, and if I’m broken or beat, I will retain the hope that I can build myself back up again and restart that fire. Certainly not easy, but I really do think that it is possible for everyone. I refuse to believe it can truly be gone.

I am going to always try my best to do what I think to be right. This one is a tough one. I don’t think anybody can actually do this 100%. But there’s no fault in that everybody makes mistakes and has their flaws. So it’s okay. I think that the key in this one is focusing on something other than yourself. When your self-centered, you sometimes make choices based on your needs and wants rather than what might be good for others. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. There’s no such thing as a bad person. There are people though who have become twisted in the mind, or bitter, or enraptured by money and power. But it’s not their fault. It is human nature to fall into these sorts of things. Often people fall into it and never get out. They don’t know, they can’t see. If they had the right upbringing, environment, development, moral guidelines or been exposed to many different ideas and beliefs, they wouldn’t be that way. When I see an angry customer who cusses me out and attacks me for no reason, I just feel bad for them. It’s sad, if only they could see a better way. Anyways, once you are aware of what is right and what is wrong, it’s best to try and do the right thing, even if it sucks or you don’t want to. I’m certainly not the poster boy for this. This is just what I hope to become with time.

I will make as many connections as I can with people. I used to never do that. I didn’t see a point in talking to other people or asking how they’re doing or hanging out. Why do that? Such a chore. As you can see I was a fucking idiot. I didn’t realize until I had let it pass me by. So I’m not going to do that ever again. Makes me sick to think about it. I valued material possessions and work and knowledge over people. I thought it was more important, I was told I was doing all the right things and my life seemed to be in order. Boy was I wrong. Came to realize that people are actually the most important thing. I was too self-absorbed to care for others. In a way I’m grateful for the regret, as now there’s 0 chance I make that mistake again. This is so important to me. I’ve grown to dislike the things that I filled my time with before, always thinking “what a waste of time this is pointless I want to talk and laugh with someone and hear about all that goes on inside their head and the unique perspectives and opinions they have”. And when I’m with others I will share the moment with them, I will try to not let myself be distracted by anything else. That’s key. I don’t want someone to see me choose words on a screen over real life. And this leads me to my final and most important point.

I want to love everyone around me unconditionally. I want to live for other people, not myself. I want to be as helpful as possible and say yes every time whenever someone needs help. I want to prioritize my needs, wants, and desires at the very bottom. Anyone who isn’t me comes first. I don’t even care if I’m loved back. It doesn’t matter this isn’t for me or about me. I’ve spent the majority of my life shutting others out and living out my selfish desires without an inkling of consideration for how it might affect others. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be him ever again. I hate him. I’m doing everything opposite now. It takes time because my selfish ways are deeply ingrained and I don’t even notice when I’m being that way. But I am slowly learning how to be the person I really want to be. I’m also somewhat grateful for the regret, because now I know exactly what not to do, and I’m absolutely set on not being that person ever again. Here comes the literal most cliché phrase in the world but I know it’s true: love is the answer. When you think about it, you know it is, it 100% is.

I think that was the root of my shortcomings and mistakes — I lacked love.

Now I’m trying to learn it.